We are fine. And lonely.

We are wired for connection. We thrive in healthy relationships. Our brains seek approval and validation. All of us — across every political, spiritual, and socioeconomic line — crave connection. And yet, so many of us are lonely, isolated, and feel disconnected. I hear this often in my practice that it’s hard to make friends as an adult and the relationships folks do have stay surface level. “Transplants” in particular struggle to ever really belong. Don’t get me wrong, “Minnesota nice” is fantastic. People come together in large groups for a cause. They hit “like” on your social media, send thoughts and prayers, and greet you at the hockey games. But they don’t invite you to intimate parts of their lives. They remain guarded and there is this stoic sense of relying on oneself that is prized in our culture. We simply don’t want to “impose” on one another.

The cost of that is perpetual loneliness, even in a room full of people. “Minnesota nice” is just that, nice. No more, no less.

In 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General declared loneliness an epidemic and public health crisis. So, what is it that holds us back from real relationship satisfaction? One factor is the comparisons we make with one another; we begin to feel we are inadequate. Endless scrolling shapes how we view ourselves and our neighbors, and, in turn, how much we avoid connecting. What begins as a quick scan devolves into comparing your neighbor’s vacation pictures with your own less than photogenic life, forgetting how carefully crafted that photo really is. While social networks provide convenience in forming connections, or rallying for a cause, they create an "illusion" of connectedness without genuine intimacy.

The depth we seek is not there.

The other is the discomfort of inconveniencing anyone. We may be able to bring ourselves to ask for practical help, like bringing a kid to practice or dropping off groceries. Minnesota is amazing at practical help; one needs only look at the incredible work of Neighbors Helping Neighbors and the mutual aid that is happening all over this city.  But it is a far different kind of thing to disclose what’s actually happening behind the curated front. What is missing is the risk of being an imperfect, messy human who doesn’t have it all together, like in the photos. So we are FINE, all of us are FINE. And lonely and overwhelmed.

Some therapy theories have this beautiful concept of co-burdening or witnessing. It is this idea that having your experience seen and held by another person is itself healing, separate from any action steps. From a neurological perspective, the body literally uses fewer resources, releases less cortisol or stress hormones, and has a less intense reaction when facing something difficult while in the presence of a friend.  Meaning, being present – no advice giving, no fixing – is connecting.  It is biologically fulfilling both for the person sharing and the person listening. Think about the last time you had a great talk with your best friend and it just felt so good.

So, how do we do it?

First, it begins with time and intention. Most people will tell you they are overwhelmed and busy. Busy doing what, exactly? And is it fulfilling? We need to slow down enough to decide what we want to cultivate. We can look for opportunities to deepen Minnesota nice and go beyond the standard greetings and one liners and begin to be intentional about remembering details about one another’s lives (or put notes in your phone!). It takes effort to check in with people and follow up about things they shared. It requires risk taking to disclose something more personal about yourself. But it can be calculated risk!

Look around at the circle of folks you interact with and decide who you would like to get to know. If you don’t have a circle, make a plan to create one. Go to a community event, volunteer somewhere, or go to new spaces you don’t usually inhabit.

Once you do that, ask the next question. Invite someone to answer how are you, really?  Be willing to courageously answer. Curiosity cultivates connection. Talk about the hard things and be still long enough to listen. Come together. The alternative is to keep scrolling alone.